As I sheepishly peek around the corner . . .

It occurred to me that my endeavour to journal my adventure as an amputee has come to a grinding halt since, oh, what? the 4th of August or so, sigh I never expected everything to just overwhelm me and I am not sure that overwhelm is the word that I am looking for but there came a moment when I just didnt care to record anymore. It was like having the realization that this was permanent, no seriously, I may have THOUGHT I knew it was permanent but somehow I found myself still holding onto that final shred of hope that somehow, someway, my leg and foot would grow back . . . . sniff. . . . . NOT!!! lmfbao ;-P but really seriously, lol, it was like I wasnt even aware that I had that secret hope, you know what I mean? It's hard to explain. Maybe I just couldnt admit to myself that I would even harbour a hope like that, hmmm? Regardless, alot has happened since the 4th of August and I am not sure that I can do it justice this late after the fact. There are a few key moments though that I would like to specifically write about and I am able to do so because believe it or not, I kept up my written journal at least till I got home from the Glenrose. Perhaps that contributed to my lack of enthusiasm to blog. This wouldn't surprise me in the least. It has been a whirlwind since the beginning of August. Notwithstanding the rush to "fit" me with not just my temporary prosthesis but my first permanent one. I was so excited that I didnt really have time to think about things or feel sorry for myself. Looking back on it now, they probably did some of the things they did for exactly that reason, so I wouldn't have the time to think the negative thoughts that can so easily bring a person down. So one would think that sending me home so quickly with a bout of confidence would be a good thing right? Well I thought so too but that's not what happened.
My schedule at the Glenrose was pretty busy during the month of August especially during the week, as I had several hours a day of physio and/or information classes and I filled my "spare" hours with swimming and wheeling myself all over hell's half acre lol I could hardly stand to be cooped up and I am sure my many visitors were sometimes a bit miffed at not finding me in my room but really, if anyone really knows me, why would they expect me to be holed up in my room huh? Anyway, I hope that everyone understands that my not being in my room wasnt personal and in no way was representative of my level of gratitude for the company. Those who managed to locate me will recall that I often suggested that we go outside or do something to amuse ourselves. One other detail of note in the month of August was my rescheduled appointments at the pain clinic in the University of Alberta hospital. My 1st appointment was on the 9th with the pain doctor from the clinic. He was very nice, put me at ease and was quite interested in my tincture recipe. He told me that he was recommending that I see the psychiatrist  and that they agree to fill out my medical marijuana application. Yay! Next, I saw the psychiatrist on the 24th and again the doctor was very thorough and very nice. Interested in my theories and my organization with my tincture making and my baking. I think he was impressed that I could tell him, to the best of my ability, how strong the dosages were in the tinctures, cookies and brownies etc that I make. I just explained how I thought it important to be aware of how much marijuana you were using. Anyway, he also approved of my application and said that now the recommendation would go to Dr. Sanderman's office and they would get in touch with me to come in with my forms for him to actually fill out. I was skeptical even at this point but this doc said his office would contact me probably within 2 weeks. Well I don't even think it was that long before they called and gave me an appointment for 2 weeks later, reminding me to bring any forms I wished filled out. I went to that appointment on the 15th of September and I met an extraordinary doctor who candidly talked about Marijuana and its endless properties while he filled out my extensive forms in front of me. Then he asked me for my photos. "Photos?" I said and he told me that I needed passport photos to send in that he had to sign. I told him that I didn't have them and he said that if I wanted to go get some and bring them back, he would sign them right there and that is exactly what happened and I sent my completed medical marijuana application into health canada on September 19th, 2011. Life went on and I will touch on the highlights of that time period in my next blog but let's skip ahead for now to 29th of November, I realized that I had not heard from Health Canada, not even an acknowledgement that they had even received my application. One would think that being such an elite membership with such stringent application requirements, that the government could at least do that. So, I phoned them and spoke to a live body who took my name and assured me that someone would  get back to me within 10 business days {December 13, 2011} I really thought that I would be lucky to hear from them by that date and was prepared to call them back on the 14th lol well, lo and behold on December 7th at around 10:30 pm my boyfriend comes into my apartment with a gray 8 1/2 x 11 envelope that came via courier from Health Canada. Guess what it was?

Yes, I must keep this document with me at all times until my wallet size identification card comes with my picture on it. This came with a crapload of other paperwork informing me of what this document did and did not mean in terms of what I can and cannot do, all very reasonable, I might add. But I can honestly say this is a milestone day for the crusades of Kismet and I am very pleased, peace

Hmmm Day 9 is MIA LOL but here is Day 10 & 11

Sunday, July 17th is day 10 post op and I am unsure as to why there is nothing in my journal at all for Saturday ;-/ Weekends are strange at the Glenrose, I gather that staff expect many residents to "go home" on a pass for the weekend. Of course, one doesnt have to but as part of the rehabilitation process, it is encouraged. I find the weekends rather boring so I try to find things to do to occupy my time when people are not visiting. This sunday however, I was fortunate to have two very dear friends that I have known since high school, drop by. Though they had made arrangements ahead of time, I had momentarily forgotten they were coming. I had been gallavanting around the hospital in my usual quest  for something to do and had stopped at the computer in the patient lounge when I realized they had said they were coming so I decided to call one of them and it went something like this:
Friend: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi, where are you? I just realized you had said you were coming here to visit."
Friend: "We have been in your room for an hour and a half, where are YOU?!?
omg! What a funny situation LOL Needless to say, our visit was somewhat short due to my own fault. I hope it doesn't deter them from coming back again {rolls eyes} though I wouldn't blame them if it did LOL Though I did tease them that if they spent that hour and a half, going through my stuff, they would have got a sense of where I am at, after all these years lmao sorry ladies, it's just my black humour and I really wouldn't of minded if you went through my stuff LOL
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful except I spoke with the nurse regarding what pain medications were on my file. She told me Tylenol 650 mg, Naproxen 250 mg {which is an anti-inflammatory and not a pain med}, and something called Flexeril 10 mg {muscle relaxant}. I opted to try the Flexeril for my phantom pain as it's the only pain I have and it's suppose to relax my spasmodic muscles. I felt almost immediate relief without any "fuzzy head" so took it at 6 hour intervals the first day.
I had the best sleep since I have been here; 2 long stretches of 3 hrs or so and one stretch at 5 hours. Could use more though. I hope it's not because of the medication, sigh.
My sweetie didn't come until late or at least it was late for a sunday and I think I fell asleep on him ;-( Last thing I remember is him kissing me goodbye.
Day 11 dawned and I awoke thinking of my sister as it is her 46th birthday today but I also have a private room with a view and what happened when I woke up was so incredible, it has to be mentioned.
It wasn't pain that woke me up this morning at 5:40 or so but rather an orange "glow" that filled my entire room. I immediately looked toward the window which my bed faces directly. Incidentally, I love being woken up by the sunrise but this was soooo different. My whole room glwed orange and outside my window was the most spectacular scene I have ever witnessed personally. I am going to try to describe it. I am facing south south west I believe so the sun was actually rising from behind the building that I am in. As the minutes ticked by I watched a moving piece of artwork that culminated in a most violent shower. It started with 3 very distinct layers; the bottom was a deep vein purple and took up maybe the bottom third of the horizon; then there was a roiling white and I mean white, cloud layer that again took up a third of the sky but basically separated the deep purple on the bottom with the lighter lavender looking cloud cover on the top.
What I am about to describe next happened in approximately 15 minutes. So we have the 3 layers right? and there are lightning bolts streaking straight down from the strip of roiling clouds. The white cloud layer just kept tossing and turning; mixing and churning until it had completely mixed itself into the lavender. Then the moment the last stitch of white cloud had mized itself in, the heavens darkened even further, if that is possible and BANG! It was like the wind gave a powerful blast that literally bent the top third of the trees at  a 90 degree angle. Then the rain came down in sheets.
By the time the doctors did rounds at 7 am, it was all over as if it never even happened. The sky was clearing as if it were just another dawn. Even the doctor said "oh look, it's going to be a nice day" and I said, "You wouldn't have thought that 45 minutes ago LOL" Neither he nor the other fellow he was with were aware that such a spectacle has even taken place. The rest of the day was like almost any other Monday except my new routine starts. Monday is doctors rounds. Only the physiatrist actually came, which is too bad in a way because it shows up the other doctors who are nota s dilegent. Anyway, she was again pleased with how my stump looked and said if it still looks this good at the end of the week, she may just keep me and get me fitted for my new prosthesis. This, as I said before, would be well ahead of schedule {Thank you God} and could mean that when I am sent on my merry way, in say another 6 weeks (end of August) it is for good. That would be nice.
I have decided that I need gloves. My hands are taking a beating LOL not only from the wheelchair but from washing them so many times.
Physio went pretty good. I like physio because it totally distracts me from pain and I am getting stronger.
My daughter came to visit in the evening to tell me about her adventures in Switzerland. She brought me presents. My sweetie came later as usual. All in all a pretty good day and I have a good feeling about the future ;-D Peace

Day 8 Post Op - Short but sweet ;-D

I woke up before my alarm again, sigh, about 6:05 am. Finally got some sleep last night after horrible spasms and pain in my non-existent limb. Found out my shower days are wednesdays and saturdays so washed the sweat from my hot flashes away but it's just not the same. Breakfast was ok. I asked for hot cereal. Was told I am scheduled for physio at 9 am.
Physio was all about skills management; stairs, ramps, tensoring, balance, strength building are all included in this class. It caused my calf muscles to cramp in my good leg lol.
Apparently, 11 am is upper body and 2 pm is lower limb. I am going to head up there a little earlier to see if they can adjust my wheelchair.
Holy cow! So much has happened just since this morning. I ended up finally getting on the computer in the patient lounge so was almost late for my 11 am physio LOL but they ended up adjusting my chair leg anyway which saved my OT doing it later.
Physio went well ;-D I guess I have not lost my upper body strength but my showing off will likely be slightly painfull tomorrow. I wonder if people realize that I very seldom make a decision to do something without knowing full well the ramifications and or consequences? Anyway, I never made it to the afternoon leg work as my physiatrist doctor came to see me. she is very nice and is the doctor who decides when I get fitted for my prosthesis. She was completely surprised at the progress of my limb for Day 8 post op and said she had not seen a stump this far healed in so short of time ever!!! She also said that she would see me monday and may just keep me and fit my leg at the end of next week; which would be 6 weeks ahead of time. ;-D
This was a very long day. By the time I got to bed I was beat. No rest for the weary though as I was up all night with worst phantom pain to date. Dozed off about 6 am

Day 7 Post Op or Is it the night before?

I have to say that my initial impressions of the Glenrose have not come anywhere near to what I was expecting. After getting my belongings organized, I sat mostly gazing out the window from my bed. I spoke to my daughter to let her know my sister-in-law would be dropping off the flowers she didnt know what to do with. I sure hope all the plants are not dead by the time I get home LOL
Just a quick aside here: I was weighed earlier and came in at 165 lbs on the nose. That means the combination of amputation {approx. 12 lbs} and hospitalization {hospital food} has helped me lose 14 lbs WOW!! lmao
"I lost 14 lbs on the new BKA diet and you can too!" roflmao ;-D
Phantom pain getting worse. Took tincture at 7 pm.
OMG! I had my worst night to date. It started with my sweetie not being able to come see me at all. By the time he finished and errand for one of the girls, it was after 11 pm and he called to cancel ;-( I was upset but I breathed through it, took more tincture and tried to sleep. The first thing that happened once I finally got to sleep was me shouting out "HEY GET OUT!" in my sleep. It was loud and echoed in this big room. Scared the shit outta me. Woke me right up and started the spasms all over again. I no sooner got settled again, when there was a loud clanging at 1 second intervals. I thought it must be some kind of an alarm going off. Then I heard some doors open or close and an "alarm force" type voice but couldn't quite make out the words being said; and the clanging just continued. I then heard fire trucks or sirens; LOTS of sirens; WTF??? The clanging had stopped only to come back on again a couple minutes later. It was like this all friggin night long and in between I was subjected to the worst phantom pain to date {7} The spasms, literally nooo control; feels like electrical jolts, not shocks, JOLTS!! Then the whole leg shakes and moves involuntarily.
So now, it's nearing 6 am and there has been maybe a 30 minute window of calm in the hospital and suddenly, we're treated to the same fire alarm; sigh, like a really bad alarm clock. What were they doing? Testing it NOW??
Today is my mother's 73rd birthday and I wish I could be there.
So, back to the day, I've been rudely awakened and the spasms are starting again, ugh!!
"Would you like something for pain?" a male nurse asks me.
I said, "a hell of a lot pain killers are gonna do  for a foot that's not even there, so no thanks." Then he starts rattling off just little bits and pieces of what's going to happen to me now that I am here. Breakfast is a la carte to your room but I am expected to have lunch and dinner in the dining room {wherever THAT is!} and only during specific times which I didn't catch LOL I asked if I could have a shower because, oh yeah, I have hot flashes and soaked the bed again the night before, but he says he'll have to see what day/time I am scheduled??? This totally sucks. My head is reeling and it's not even 7 am. I'm not going to panic though and I keep dozing in and out as I am writing because of the night it was. I am determined to just take things as they come.
So turns out that every Thursday morning is a mandatory amputation education session for an hour at 9 am. Today's topic: Wound and Limb Care.
Breakfast came and went. I got no choice because someone ordered me a tray. ;-( So no hot cereal. Then my nurse for the day said I could shower ;-D so I did that. It was ok but hard to get around on a commode that was too hight for me and had 4 brakes put on LOL Stuck like a rat in a maze though so kind of frustrating waiting for help. Still haven't found out my shower day yet. Wondering if my nurse was just trying to help me feel better lol. She said that I would be popular today being the new kid on the block.
So far physio has been to see me about my wheelchair but havent brought a different one yet; just the board, cushion and pad.
I went to the wound and limb care class on the 2nd floor but had to leave early because the doctor was back up on the unit waiting for me.
Aside: Turns out that one of the GP's assigned to my unit is the son of my old paediatrician. Spitten image but I told him he's better looking lol He said the physiatrist doctor would likely see me today too. I'm going to try to rest before lunch. Wow! good thing I had that little nap before lunch lol because right after I was busy with the doctors, I had my 1st physio assessment. Guess I'm some kind of medical marvel LOL It's day 7 post op and apparently I am a week ahead of schedule in healing. No one can believe the limb is completely healed on the incision and that there is no drainage and hardly any swelling. My shin feels like I banged it hard but the overall condition is really, really good. I think they are thinking about keeping me in for 2 weeks doing weight training and wrapping my stump. Then they want to send me home to recouperate for 6 weeks and return to the hospital to be fitted for my prosthesis.
I did a full lower limb workout today even though I didnt have to. Maybe sore tomorrow but I doubt overly so.
I got to finally say happy birthday to my mother around 10 pm. I was grateful that my daughter and a good friend of ours managed to bring her a nice meal and presents and call me so I could speak to her. She said she was really glad to hear my voice. I was glad to hear hers too. I told her how well I am doing and that I would see her the 1st chance I get.
Well, it's now 11:20 pm and lets hope I have taken enough tincture to battle these phantom pains for a couple of hours.
1:00 AM Worst phantom pain yet. I thought it was suppose to get better now worse ;-( Unwrapped my stump and let it breathe for awhile. Next time I worke up I re-wrapped it.

Day 6 Post- Op or Welcome to the Glenrose lol

I was up early and showered before 8 am. Slept remarkably well considering I was in a fair amount of pain before bed. I woke up at 3:50 am again to go to the bathroom but then slept till almost 7 am.
While getting dressed one of the physiotherapists came in and told me I am being transferred to the Glenrose today!! Wow! THAT was fast. I was told yesterday that the other older gentleman who had a BKA weeks ago was next on the list but I guess when the bed came up, the doctor there chose me over him because I am younger and have less issues so  they want to get started with me. First time in my life that it has "paid" to be younger LOL I called my sweetie to let him know as he needed to pick up my things, like the flowers, that sadly would not be going with me to the rehab hospital ;-( I sure hope the girls remember to water the plants ;-/
Anyway, he sounded very distressed by the news, like it was sooooo not at a good time of his day. It ended up that his sister-in-law, bless her, came and picked up the all the stuff to go back to my place, which really, really helped us out. ;-D Thank You.
I then waited for the EMT's to arrive to transport me and in the meantime my girlfriend visited and brought  me more yummy, healthy food that her boyfriend made for me. He really is an accomplished cook.
The EMT's finally came and the handsome one promised to hit every bump possible ;-D I bit my tongue from telling him that would be fine because I had forgot to pack my vibrator ;-P I had a pleasant, albeit bumpy ride and great conversation with the pretty one all the way to the Glenrose Rehabilitation Hospital. I arrived approximately 6 pm and from the stunned look on the face of the nurse at the station, she wasnt expecting another new admission. Had a good chuckle when the handsome one leans over and whispers in my ear "heaven forbid they be ready for you lol, gotta love that blank expression eh?"
 They gave me a private room that is huge and has a beautiful view and when I said "Wow!" she told me it was the "luck of the draw" lol I am sure glad my luck is holding out.
Ok, so spoke too soon. The next thing I know I am being asked a ton of the usual questions; you know the ones that you think they have asked you sooooo many times that they really ought to know this stuff?!? and just when I am thinking "oh brother, here we go again," another nurse comes in with a bunch of bio hazard bags. . . wait a minute, Are those swabs?!? . . . Yep! Nose, groin and rectum, sigh, guess this IS the closest I am getting to sex for a while eh? Anyway, I have been left seemingly to my own devices in this room, after being asked if I was going to unpack LOL Now this was the fun part;  my bed lies along the longest wall facing the alcove to the window; to my right and to the left of the alcove is a desk/shelf; to my left or at the head of my bed is a small dresser on wheels and a full closet with shelves and a place to hang clothes. Across from me, is the door to the unit; the door to my bathroom on the right of that and a 2nd sink to the left before the closet.
I sat for a few minutes and contemplated my situation. They had not told me anything about the rules as yet and I had more than a few questions lol So was this a test? I thought someone would be back. I ended up taking on the challenge and managing to unpack my things. I made it over to the desk where my bags and suitcase were and bowled them over to the closet lol Then used the wheelchair they left me to maneuver around the room to kind of set it up.I did not see another nurse for a little over 3 hours - Peace

Day 5 Post Op - The Unveiling ;-D

7:50 am - My doctors partner came in and unceremoniously unwrapped the bandages for the 1st time . . . WOW! It looks AWESOME!! My surgeon did an awesome job. It's hardly swollen and looks good!! No drainage or seepage on the gauze bandages even. The doctor said "the Big Guy will be pleased and is operating this morning so will be around later to see for himself.
Anyway, I need to describe my residual limb even though I will take a picture and try to post later. It is short and flat on the end of a lightly flared knee, kinda like the end of a trombone except football shaped. Smooth as silk, excellent color and even the stitches are barely visible. Itchy as hell though which I know is a good sign HaHa - The doc only left the dressings on loosely so wonder if I will make it to the bathroom again any time soon..
Both physio and occupational therapy came to see me. I did really well. She said she'd never seen someone do tge whole walk around the unit the first time ;-D I had no problem, whatsoever..
Had a bit of a scare in the afternoon; seems the corner store apartment was in full blazing glory and threatening ours and 3 other apartments surrounding it. Thank goodness it wasn't ours but my daughters boyfriend had us worried there for a while.
The social worker who had spoken to me earlier about my accomodations at home also came back in the afternoon after she had spoken with the property manager, who of course lied through his teeth to her, even going as far as saying that he didnt know the repairs weren't done and now apparently the dishwasher is on order and will be there by the end of the month ;-/ I like the social worker here. She is very nice. I don't understand how anyone gets these kinds of arrangements made without help so really appreciative.
Quite a bit of phantom pain tonight (6:40 pm) Don't know why as I didn't really do anything. So I guess I will just have to wait and see if anything else happens today lol.
So by 7:00 pm my limb pain was "0" and the phantom pain approaching a "4" so I took a full dose of tincture to test the effects, if any, on the phantom limb. Well, I tell you that it basically "calmed" my obviously screaming nerves for approximately 3 hours ;-D Took another dose at 10 pm and may take one more tonight to sleep.
I had 4 visitors in the evening, 2 being my daughters. The eldest says she's sick of telling people how well I am LOL because they cannot believe it. She says now she's just telling them to come and see for themselves.
Well, I will tell you what it is. . . it is nothing short of a miracle; a bonafide miracle and truth be told, it's a whole bunch of miracles all tied together. It couldn't be anything else. I laugh when another nurse or doctor or health professional or social worker remarks how thay have not seen anyone like me or the way in which I handle things, is probably more accurate. I just know that really, bottom line, a greater power is guiding me or has a hand in this ;-D My level of faith has been renewed but the difference this time for me is that the level of trust has been raised as well ;-D Peace

Day 4 Post Op

I have been awake since 3:50 am. Anxious to see me doctor I guess. It's only Day 4 post of and I still feel really good. Catheter drip is still at 3ml/hour and when the 1st doctors came at 7 am, I asked if it could be reduced again today. They didn't really answer me LOL but I heard one sa that it's already a miniscule dosage. I think the fact that I want it lowered is a good sign.
I just want to say here that I have really appreciated and enjoyed my nurses so far. Each has been absolutely unique and even the one who had the best prank played on her is still speaking to me LOL I am glad to see our youth are still interested in these types of careers though sometimes for the life of me I am not sure why.
Well, now almost 11:15 am and I have not seen my vascular surgeon. I wish he'd hurry up, I want to see my leg lol It's been wrapped up for 4 days and the suspense is killing me. The original bandages are loose and feel as if I could just pull my leg right out of them if it wasnt for the pain sheath.
The nurse came and turned down the dosage again; it's now infusing 2ml/hr. My phantom pain has increased, I believe as a direct result. My non-existent foof feels ischemic pressure, sigh. I really wonder how long and/or permanent THAT will be?
Now it's 5 pm and pressure is no longer an issue. I think it will be ok if they take the sheath right our tomorrow. Finally my doctor shows up. He promised to remove the dressing for the 1st timwe tomorrow and will likely remove the pain sheath as well. Then he said arrangements will be started for me to transfer to the Glenrose Rehabilitation Hospital. This could take awhile as physio at the Grey Nuns has to be involved. I am sure it will not take long once the sheath is removed because I really do not need acute care anymore.
My sweetie was delayed later than usual tonight and didn't stay long ;-( But he did stay long enough to help me put some things away and help me get ready for bed. I love him very much. He means the world to me and I appreciate all that he does.
My phantom pain feels like my foot is burning from frostbite tonight LOL though it's really not funny. Quite disturbing to me actually and leaves me wondering when and if it will diminish over time. I am going to take some of my tincture and go to bed at a decent time after I have a cup of peppermint tea to relieve my gas. Hopefully it works like usual as I have never experienced this intensity of gas that I have this time around. I have been able to force it out the bottom but burp? Forget it, hasn't been happening LOL
So I was a little upset with my youngest daughter, I was hoping she could help me with the brutality my lower back and stomach muscles have been going through but no such luck as she is getting ready to embark on a weekend rave trip.
3:50 am I am woken up by the feeling of someone jabbing my non-existent heel with a nail or spike. I found myself trying to rub my ankles together to rid myself of the annoyance, like a mosquito LOL It was so weird that I literally laughed out loud. Ended up having to go to the bathroom, so had the nurse change my soaked bed - DAMN HOT FLASHES