Aaaarrrrrghhhhh!!!! Was that a primal enough scream for you? I find it funny that I always say it could be worse and then sometimes it just is. . . ;-(
In amongst all this mess of moving, my adopted father passed away last night ;-( Makes me wonder how much one person can truly stand, I hope it is good that I feel I could still take some more ;-/ Not sure exactly where to go from here, I sincerely hate having to change my plan/schedule/life so many times in such a relatively short period of time. I want to take the time here to acknowledge my sister who has lived in the U.S. with and taking care of her biological father for better than 5 years now. Though Dad was now in a nursing home, she was still there for him ;-D Even his final day, she indulged his wish to go out and partook of a festival; the kind of outing that had become part of his routine; something he enjoyed; you have done very right by him emotionally and physically; Thank You ;-D I love you too and think that Dad could not have had a better final day. I know we are all sad for our loss but Dad lived a full 87 years, the latter of which, thanks to you ;-)
So where does this leave me? LOL right now, still without a fully functional, already moved into apartment and a slightly less balanced brain I think. I may have to expedite a passport {darn, why didnt I renew when I had the chance??}and make a trip stateside. Can you do a funeral via webcam?
;-( this totally sucks. My brother is going to take me on Monday morning to tell our Mom ;-( She has had so many people leave her life lately. . .I am not looking forward to it and I hate that I take solace in the fact that she likely wont remember for long, not the details, or perhaps even the fact that we even told her, sigh I really appreciate my brother doing this for/with me. He is the more stoic type lol the practical cancer I call it, he comes by it honestly lol Mum's a crab too, so is my sister lol so maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel ;-D
Rest in peace Dad, I love you
In memory of Donald Elmer Garbe, Born January 14th, 1924, Died May 28th, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Remind Me Why I'm Doing This Again?!?
I have to say that this move is not turning out to be the "easiest move ever" lol, I didn't even see Murphy slip in sigh. I still do not have my keys and am taking a break from my packing. It occured to me that the question of why I am going through with this enters my brain at least once a day. It use to be like, 10 times a day lol but as I am becoming more receptive to the idea it has become less. I just thought I would write about some of these thoughts that go through my head at this time and how I have rationalized them out.
I am reminded constantly by my body why I am doing this. A limb that is not getting anywhere near the full blood supply it needs to function, tells you so lol A pressure builds in the calf; the first time I experienced this I thought it was a charley horse cramp; and the pressure just keeps increasing, if because of my high pain threshold {Thanks Mom ;-D} I push through the pressure pain, the burning and numbness in my toes starts; this increases until the whole foot is on fire. Then, if I press on, say the function I am doing is walking ;-/ very quickly, my whole foot will become so numb that I cannot feel it and HAVE to sit down. All this happens in a matter of 100 meters and about 20 - 30 seconds; quicker if I try to walk fast ;-( I don't have to tell the people who know me, how hard that is too take when not even 2 years ago I did my last power walk.
The worst part is that one would think then that sedate activities would be best and certainly more comfortable right? Well, unfortunately that has definitely not been the case. After my first bypass surgery, I slept with my leg elevated at a 45 degree angle every nite for 18 months to manage the residual swelling that accompanies that type of surgery. I have not been able to sleep with my leg elevated since the night I went to the hospital in an ambulance last June. It seems that my Femoral and Protibial arteries are so clogged that my circulatory system cannot force even the smallest amount of blood to my foot if it is at all elevated. This situation has got so bad that I have had to raise the head of my bed 5 inches {Thanks for coming up with that idea my wonderful man} in order to be able to sleep and not wake up every 2 hours with a hint of the askemia that sent me to the hospital. Funny story: My boyfriend doesnt live with me but stays over, usually saturday nights; I am use to sleeping on this elevated bed now lol nothing funnier than waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and come back to find him slid halfway down the bed so his head is like 18 - 24 inches below mine, I told him it's reminiscent of sleeping with a child LOL
I was concerned at first that sleeping elevated would have adverse effects on my ability to manage my swelling, which because of having had 3 operations in the same spot, has been hard to totally alleviate. I still wear a compression stocking on that leg - hah! won't have to worry about getting another pair to replace these poor worn ones I have now hehe just thought of that ;-D Anyway, so I told my vascular surgeon about it just to make sure, fully expecting him to say something like " oh no you cannot do that blah blah blah" but instead he said, " I bet you have to sleep that way, your boyfriend was smart"
Needless to say, I was relieved because by sleeping that way, I was at least able to get some resemblance to a good night's sleep. It should probably be said here that I have, for the most part, always been a good sleeper. I can count on one hand how many periods or times in my life that I have EVER had trouble sleeping. I can safely say that getting my proper 8 hours every night has been the single most healing thing I have been able to do for my body, both physically and mentally.
The point to all this? I have been told that this operation will allow my body to get back to some sense of normality and although the initial discomfort from the operation that I am going to have is great, it lessens as days go by and eventually heals. What I am dealing with now is the slow death of my foot basically and there is no option left that we have not tried to save it, including my failed Gortex artery.
I just want my quality of life back; it doesnt even have to be ALL the quality I have lost, sigh, just being able to walk as far as my corner store without pain would be wonderful lol or shop at a mall for groceries or a birthday present! Imagine that lol it seems so long ago that I could do that without giving it a second thought, now lol I have to consider whether it is worth it to try to carry my "walker" down 7 stairs {another tough feat} in order to be able to have a seat to rest as I attempt to carry out activities that we all take for granted {shakes head} On a brighter note, I am not going to have to buy a walker either lol and this loaner from the wonderful people at the STELP program can have it back early ;-D
I guess that I just wanted to get the point across that though I can totally see the logic in what I am about to let them do to me lol I find that I have to work to remind myself the benefits I will receive on a daily basis. It really is a kind of cruel oxymoron: Cut off your foot to make things less painful hmmmmm? In the long run, I have to keep the faith - Peace
I am reminded constantly by my body why I am doing this. A limb that is not getting anywhere near the full blood supply it needs to function, tells you so lol A pressure builds in the calf; the first time I experienced this I thought it was a charley horse cramp; and the pressure just keeps increasing, if because of my high pain threshold {Thanks Mom ;-D} I push through the pressure pain, the burning and numbness in my toes starts; this increases until the whole foot is on fire. Then, if I press on, say the function I am doing is walking ;-/ very quickly, my whole foot will become so numb that I cannot feel it and HAVE to sit down. All this happens in a matter of 100 meters and about 20 - 30 seconds; quicker if I try to walk fast ;-( I don't have to tell the people who know me, how hard that is too take when not even 2 years ago I did my last power walk.
The worst part is that one would think then that sedate activities would be best and certainly more comfortable right? Well, unfortunately that has definitely not been the case. After my first bypass surgery, I slept with my leg elevated at a 45 degree angle every nite for 18 months to manage the residual swelling that accompanies that type of surgery. I have not been able to sleep with my leg elevated since the night I went to the hospital in an ambulance last June. It seems that my Femoral and Protibial arteries are so clogged that my circulatory system cannot force even the smallest amount of blood to my foot if it is at all elevated. This situation has got so bad that I have had to raise the head of my bed 5 inches {Thanks for coming up with that idea my wonderful man} in order to be able to sleep and not wake up every 2 hours with a hint of the askemia that sent me to the hospital. Funny story: My boyfriend doesnt live with me but stays over, usually saturday nights; I am use to sleeping on this elevated bed now lol nothing funnier than waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and come back to find him slid halfway down the bed so his head is like 18 - 24 inches below mine, I told him it's reminiscent of sleeping with a child LOL
I was concerned at first that sleeping elevated would have adverse effects on my ability to manage my swelling, which because of having had 3 operations in the same spot, has been hard to totally alleviate. I still wear a compression stocking on that leg - hah! won't have to worry about getting another pair to replace these poor worn ones I have now hehe just thought of that ;-D Anyway, so I told my vascular surgeon about it just to make sure, fully expecting him to say something like " oh no you cannot do that blah blah blah" but instead he said, " I bet you have to sleep that way, your boyfriend was smart"
Needless to say, I was relieved because by sleeping that way, I was at least able to get some resemblance to a good night's sleep. It should probably be said here that I have, for the most part, always been a good sleeper. I can count on one hand how many periods or times in my life that I have EVER had trouble sleeping. I can safely say that getting my proper 8 hours every night has been the single most healing thing I have been able to do for my body, both physically and mentally.
The point to all this? I have been told that this operation will allow my body to get back to some sense of normality and although the initial discomfort from the operation that I am going to have is great, it lessens as days go by and eventually heals. What I am dealing with now is the slow death of my foot basically and there is no option left that we have not tried to save it, including my failed Gortex artery.
I just want my quality of life back; it doesnt even have to be ALL the quality I have lost, sigh, just being able to walk as far as my corner store without pain would be wonderful lol or shop at a mall for groceries or a birthday present! Imagine that lol it seems so long ago that I could do that without giving it a second thought, now lol I have to consider whether it is worth it to try to carry my "walker" down 7 stairs {another tough feat} in order to be able to have a seat to rest as I attempt to carry out activities that we all take for granted {shakes head} On a brighter note, I am not going to have to buy a walker either lol and this loaner from the wonderful people at the STELP program can have it back early ;-D
I guess that I just wanted to get the point across that though I can totally see the logic in what I am about to let them do to me lol I find that I have to work to remind myself the benefits I will receive on a daily basis. It really is a kind of cruel oxymoron: Cut off your foot to make things less painful hmmmmm? In the long run, I have to keep the faith - Peace
Friday, May 27, 2011
The Countdown Continued
I have to say as I looked at the calendar and counted off the days to June 28th my chest got that heavy feeling, you know the one that happens when fear starts rearing its ugly little head? Well, you will be happy to hear I am not giving up THAT easily lol this IS only the second blog ya know ;-D and because this is a part of my life's journey in which I want to grow as a person, I hope that ya'll will view it as such.
Anyway, back to the countdown, not only do I think a countdown is practical but I think it will help me to not procrastinate sorting out any unresolved feelings I have about the amputation. Starting it on May 30th still gives me time to get moving out of the way. Oh, to only have to worry about one thing at a time lol.
I might add here that my daughter and I have seemingly found the perfect place in which to reside together ;-D I have to say that this will be the easiest move I have ever made in my entire life, well maybe not the easiest because of the circumstances with my leg but certainly the easiest from a logistics perspective. For those of you who don't know me personally, I live in the inner city of Edmonton, by choice, I was a social worker for years so can hold my own, nuff said. My apartment is currently on the 1st floor of a 52 suite building composing 3 floors plus a basement. The only wheelchair accessible suite is the one on the north end of the building partially underneath me. When I first moved in here a lovely lady and her disabled son lived in the 1400 sq ft suite. She had lifts like they have at my Mom's nursing home in her son's bedroom and the huge main bathroom. She moved out last fall and the landlord has been renovating since. Here I thought he had done some great renos because of the length of time it had taken to do them but all he did was take out the lifts, patch, paint and put in new flooring, some of which doesnt match {shakes head} lol its all good. I was originally told that the owner was fixing it up to sell but 3 months ago a "For Rent" sign went in the window. Originally, he wanted $1400 a month which I knew was highway robbery for this place, renos or no renos. Eventually with the help of a wonderful property agent we secured this place for $1100. My daughter doesnt think she is so wonderful especially after them stiffing us on the keys so long but it's my blog right? ;-D I know I am kinda digressing here but again its one of the things I have had to deal with along with everything else so bear with me lol
Now this all sounds well and good right? lol Well we all know about "Murphy" hmmmm? To make this digression as short as possible, our current situation is we were hoping to get the keys today but that sooooo did not pan out therefore the moving plans for the weekend are changing as I write. I can understand my daughters frustration, things seem like they are totally blown out of the water especially when that lovely lady from the management company has had her hot little hands on the full damage deposit AND 1st months rent for almost 2 weeks now ;-/ I am sure there is someone out there thinking Oh THAT was dumb LOL but if you know me, I am a trusting soul. Not that I didn't get receipts, I am trusting not stupid lol My daughter who is on the lease with me of course has other opinions lol "well, as far as I am concerned, we gave her $2200, we should have the keys!!!" I am thinking, Yeah, like they're going to want to part with the keys on the 18th when we signed a lease and paid to start June 1st and the apartment isn't even ready yet {rolls eyes}, anything before that really is a bonus out of the goodness of their hearts. The agent knows enough of my story to know that helping me would be good but that's about all I can do is hope for the best because there are too many people involved. So it looks like no moving before tomorrow at least and possibly not till Sunday ;-9 much to my chagrin.
The more this moving adventure gets messed up, the more I wonder how things will turn out ;-/
I am impatient at times and lazy at others. I have done a lot of packing, albeit at my own speed and am tired tonight, perhaps it's a good thing I am not getting to move tomorrow ;-* Peace
Anyway, back to the countdown, not only do I think a countdown is practical but I think it will help me to not procrastinate sorting out any unresolved feelings I have about the amputation. Starting it on May 30th still gives me time to get moving out of the way. Oh, to only have to worry about one thing at a time lol.
I might add here that my daughter and I have seemingly found the perfect place in which to reside together ;-D I have to say that this will be the easiest move I have ever made in my entire life, well maybe not the easiest because of the circumstances with my leg but certainly the easiest from a logistics perspective. For those of you who don't know me personally, I live in the inner city of Edmonton, by choice, I was a social worker for years so can hold my own, nuff said. My apartment is currently on the 1st floor of a 52 suite building composing 3 floors plus a basement. The only wheelchair accessible suite is the one on the north end of the building partially underneath me. When I first moved in here a lovely lady and her disabled son lived in the 1400 sq ft suite. She had lifts like they have at my Mom's nursing home in her son's bedroom and the huge main bathroom. She moved out last fall and the landlord has been renovating since. Here I thought he had done some great renos because of the length of time it had taken to do them but all he did was take out the lifts, patch, paint and put in new flooring, some of which doesnt match {shakes head} lol its all good. I was originally told that the owner was fixing it up to sell but 3 months ago a "For Rent" sign went in the window. Originally, he wanted $1400 a month which I knew was highway robbery for this place, renos or no renos. Eventually with the help of a wonderful property agent we secured this place for $1100. My daughter doesnt think she is so wonderful especially after them stiffing us on the keys so long but it's my blog right? ;-D I know I am kinda digressing here but again its one of the things I have had to deal with along with everything else so bear with me lol
Now this all sounds well and good right? lol Well we all know about "Murphy" hmmmm? To make this digression as short as possible, our current situation is we were hoping to get the keys today but that sooooo did not pan out therefore the moving plans for the weekend are changing as I write. I can understand my daughters frustration, things seem like they are totally blown out of the water especially when that lovely lady from the management company has had her hot little hands on the full damage deposit AND 1st months rent for almost 2 weeks now ;-/ I am sure there is someone out there thinking Oh THAT was dumb LOL but if you know me, I am a trusting soul. Not that I didn't get receipts, I am trusting not stupid lol My daughter who is on the lease with me of course has other opinions lol "well, as far as I am concerned, we gave her $2200, we should have the keys!!!" I am thinking, Yeah, like they're going to want to part with the keys on the 18th when we signed a lease and paid to start June 1st and the apartment isn't even ready yet {rolls eyes}, anything before that really is a bonus out of the goodness of their hearts. The agent knows enough of my story to know that helping me would be good but that's about all I can do is hope for the best because there are too many people involved. So it looks like no moving before tomorrow at least and possibly not till Sunday ;-9 much to my chagrin.
The more this moving adventure gets messed up, the more I wonder how things will turn out ;-/
I am impatient at times and lazy at others. I have done a lot of packing, albeit at my own speed and am tired tonight, perhaps it's a good thing I am not getting to move tomorrow ;-* Peace
The Countdown
I have decided to start a countdown of sorts ;-/ for 2 reasons really; the first is because it is practical. In the grand scheme of life we humans have to plan things, or at least I know I do lol With the date of my amputation being June 28th and an impending move this weekend, I have decided to start the countdown on the 30th of May. This gives me 30 days up to and including the day of the operation to prepare. Which brings me to the second reason lol I need to be in control of something, there, I said it lol My daughters will say well that's nothing new but what I don't think they realize is that it use to be a LOT worse lmao I have learned over the years to "let go" of many things but when you have obsessive compulsive tendencies, there are a few lingering remnants, you know lol Anyway, I believe that having a countdown will not allow me to procrastinate and give me something to focus on as I continue to prepare both mentally and physically. Speaking of physically, I have also decided that I need to start some kind of exercise regimen, even if it is only my upper body. I am NOT looking forward to this but because I see the logic, I will do my best. So as of yesterday, no more "treats" {sigh} not even under the guise of comfort, which is what my family is notorious for lol. We will see how it goes ;-D
I have done a fair amount of research on amputations since finding out I am a candidate for one, so I guess that would be a little over 2 years. I didnt delve into it right off the bat as I did not want to put "energy" into it manifesting but as the other operations failed one by one, and it became the logical step vs continuing to endure chronic pain, I consented. And by consented, I don't mean to the doctor but to myself, I am not going to say resigned because I believe that anything is possible even miracles, just not sure I am predestined for one ;-/
In my research, I have learned that the operation entails a 1-3 week stay in hospital or acute care and then a 1-3 month or longer stay in a rehabilitation hospital. When my doctors office called with the date, I was informed that I am only scheduled to be at the hospital for 7 days, 1 week with a transfer to the rehab hospital after that. How long do I think I will be there? Well, I'd like to think I would be back home in my new apartment by September ;-) wishful thinking? Only time will tell - Peace
Author's Note: For the first few days, until my countdown, my posts may be a bit sporadic lol just until I get moved really which is going to be this weekend ;-D I need to be packing and not procrastinating because its Friday already LOL
I have done a fair amount of research on amputations since finding out I am a candidate for one, so I guess that would be a little over 2 years. I didnt delve into it right off the bat as I did not want to put "energy" into it manifesting but as the other operations failed one by one, and it became the logical step vs continuing to endure chronic pain, I consented. And by consented, I don't mean to the doctor but to myself, I am not going to say resigned because I believe that anything is possible even miracles, just not sure I am predestined for one ;-/
In my research, I have learned that the operation entails a 1-3 week stay in hospital or acute care and then a 1-3 month or longer stay in a rehabilitation hospital. When my doctors office called with the date, I was informed that I am only scheduled to be at the hospital for 7 days, 1 week with a transfer to the rehab hospital after that. How long do I think I will be there? Well, I'd like to think I would be back home in my new apartment by September ;-) wishful thinking? Only time will tell - Peace
Author's Note: For the first few days, until my countdown, my posts may be a bit sporadic lol just until I get moved really which is going to be this weekend ;-D I need to be packing and not procrastinating because its Friday already LOL
The Beginning
For those of you who don't know me personally, I am going to start by giving a little bit of background information to give you an idea of how I came to be in the position of facing a below knee amputation.
I am a 49 year old woman who inherited extremely bad veinage {if that is even a word lol} Thank you Dad! R.I.P. I agreed to a Femoral Tibial Bypass to correct a fully blocked Femoral artery in my right leg in March of 2009. This in itself, was a big step for me, because I eschew (as my vascular surgeon puts it) conventional prescription and over the counter drugs. The only way I would let this surgeon perform this operation was if he would do it with local anesthetic, no sedatives and no painkillers. My doctor agreed and so the 1st operation took place. Unfortunately, they were using one of my own veins, in the procedure and because, as my doctor puts it, "my veins are crap", the new "artery" collapsed and occluded within 24 hours ;-( I returned home, healed for 10 weeks and returned on May 28th, 2009 for round 2 only this time, my doctor was installing a Gortex artery. He replaced the majority of my Femoral artery with this white tube that looked and had the diameter of a common crinckle straw.The difference was phenomenal and for a little over a year, dispite a fair amount of collateral damage, as I like to call it; no feeling below my knee etc, life was good and I was getting stronger daily.
On June 21, 2010 at 4:10 in the morning, excruciating pain woke me out of a deep sleep ;-( I had never in my life experienced pain the likes of that morning, not even in childbirth. Just as an aside here, it is the weirdest feeling when your brain is telling you one thing and your eyes are telling you another because I thought that my foot was going to explode; it felt like it HAD to be as big as a basketball. Imagine my shock to whip back the covers only to find a normal sized foot, that certainly did not fit the signals being sent to my brain but was sickeningly blue ;-/ This, I learned later, is askemia {sp?}
So, after my very first ride in an ambulance; and here is where I formally apologize to the wonderful EMT's whom I am sure I freaked out by not allowing them to give me anything for pain or my apparent high blood pressure, but it's my body and my rights so there. ;-P Thank you for getting me to the hospital fast though ;-D My vascular surgeon met me at the hospital and I underwent an emergency surgery, to clean out my clogged artery. Needless to say, time would not allow for a local anesthetic for the 3rd time so I consented to a general much to my dismay.
When I awoke, my doctor explained it to me like this: 1st of all they had no idea why the Gortex had clotted especially because it was state of the art and so new that they had to get special permission to use it as the lining of the fake artery was biologically infused with Heparin {a blood thinner} which was to prevent exactly what I had experienced. Sadly, he agreed with me that it was a little like "breaking your seal" at the bar lol once it happens, its not a matter of "if" it will happen again but when.
When came less than 4 months later and I was told officially that the artery had failed for the second time on November 1, 2010 and that going in to clean it out was not an option at this time. Basically, I was going to have to suffer with almost no circulation to my right leg. I asked, "can a person live this way?" and was told yes but eventually the tissue would start to die with no blood and oh, it can be quite painful lmao as if I didn't already know THAT! My doctor also told me that he felt he could probably only go back in 1 more time to clean it out so wanted to reserve that option for a more pressing emergency if there was one. I went home shaking my head. How was this to be? Did I hear correctly? He said there was nothing further he could do and that I basically had to wait for my foot to "die" before he could do anything else.
Well I lived with my quality of life deteriorating fast; gained weight from inactivity; lost muscle mass & mobility and fought depression that would have been easy to slip into. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor. I wanted him to explain to me again where he thought I was at and when he did I asked him the question that I had been plagueing me from the first time he explained: "Why are we waiting then?"
Granted, A, amputation is an irreversible operation but I have already been told that because they have already tried artificial means to correct my vascular dilemma and it has failed that amputation is, short of a miracle, inevitable. Plus, I am going to be 50 this year and healing among other things takes longer in the nature of things so why would I wait possibly 5 years, allowing my brain to "map" my pain and increase the length of time and difficulties healing???
Sometimes, to my own detriment, I can be very persuasive lol You know the old adage: Be careful what you ask/wish for? Well, I guess I made my point because he told me that it was really up to me, that when my quality of life became unbearable to me, such as it is, give him a call. I do not recall the date I called his office and told his nurse to go ahead and book a date, instead I think she booked me in to see him in person. I was a bit surprised to find he had done almost a complete turnaround about the urgency, particularly with regard to the increased percentage of having serious phantom pain the longer my brain is allowed to experience pain for it to remember ;-( Also, as he had already made a referral to the U of A pain clinic, he asked if I could hold out until I had at least seen the doctors there. He told me that he agreed with me now about the narcotic pain killers and would not like to see me get hooked, at which point he stated: "and you WILL get hooked if you start them, Kismet." So, I agreed to wait and he agreed to get the ball rolling on his end for the amputation.
This brings us to current events. My back to back appointments with the pain doc and the psychiatrist were scheduled for May 25th,2011, nearly a 5 month wait. These were the 2 single most important appointments in my life to date because these are the doctors who could potentially sign my medical marijuana application. {Again, for those of you who do not know me, Marijuana has been my painkiller of choice in various forms, most recently via vaporizer (so I am not smoking - SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!) and via a tincture I make using Marijuana & grain alcohol - more on this later}
I missed those appointments the day before yesterday {shakes head} and I can only blame myself. My friends know from CrackBook {fond nickname for FaceBook} that it was a less than stellar day ;-D and culminated in my vascular surgeon's office calling me with a date: June 28th, 2011.
Author's Note: That is all for tonight ;-D Basically, I have decided to blog my experience on a daily basis {anshallah} {sp?} as I hope to go through this experience without general anesthetic and/or conventional painkillers. I believe in alternative medicine wholeheartedly and will do my best to be true to that for myself 1st and to help others second - Peace
I am a 49 year old woman who inherited extremely bad veinage {if that is even a word lol} Thank you Dad! R.I.P. I agreed to a Femoral Tibial Bypass to correct a fully blocked Femoral artery in my right leg in March of 2009. This in itself, was a big step for me, because I eschew (as my vascular surgeon puts it) conventional prescription and over the counter drugs. The only way I would let this surgeon perform this operation was if he would do it with local anesthetic, no sedatives and no painkillers. My doctor agreed and so the 1st operation took place. Unfortunately, they were using one of my own veins, in the procedure and because, as my doctor puts it, "my veins are crap", the new "artery" collapsed and occluded within 24 hours ;-( I returned home, healed for 10 weeks and returned on May 28th, 2009 for round 2 only this time, my doctor was installing a Gortex artery. He replaced the majority of my Femoral artery with this white tube that looked and had the diameter of a common crinckle straw.The difference was phenomenal and for a little over a year, dispite a fair amount of collateral damage, as I like to call it; no feeling below my knee etc, life was good and I was getting stronger daily.
On June 21, 2010 at 4:10 in the morning, excruciating pain woke me out of a deep sleep ;-( I had never in my life experienced pain the likes of that morning, not even in childbirth. Just as an aside here, it is the weirdest feeling when your brain is telling you one thing and your eyes are telling you another because I thought that my foot was going to explode; it felt like it HAD to be as big as a basketball. Imagine my shock to whip back the covers only to find a normal sized foot, that certainly did not fit the signals being sent to my brain but was sickeningly blue ;-/ This, I learned later, is askemia {sp?}
So, after my very first ride in an ambulance; and here is where I formally apologize to the wonderful EMT's whom I am sure I freaked out by not allowing them to give me anything for pain or my apparent high blood pressure, but it's my body and my rights so there. ;-P Thank you for getting me to the hospital fast though ;-D My vascular surgeon met me at the hospital and I underwent an emergency surgery, to clean out my clogged artery. Needless to say, time would not allow for a local anesthetic for the 3rd time so I consented to a general much to my dismay.
When I awoke, my doctor explained it to me like this: 1st of all they had no idea why the Gortex had clotted especially because it was state of the art and so new that they had to get special permission to use it as the lining of the fake artery was biologically infused with Heparin {a blood thinner} which was to prevent exactly what I had experienced. Sadly, he agreed with me that it was a little like "breaking your seal" at the bar lol once it happens, its not a matter of "if" it will happen again but when.
When came less than 4 months later and I was told officially that the artery had failed for the second time on November 1, 2010 and that going in to clean it out was not an option at this time. Basically, I was going to have to suffer with almost no circulation to my right leg. I asked, "can a person live this way?" and was told yes but eventually the tissue would start to die with no blood and oh, it can be quite painful lmao as if I didn't already know THAT! My doctor also told me that he felt he could probably only go back in 1 more time to clean it out so wanted to reserve that option for a more pressing emergency if there was one. I went home shaking my head. How was this to be? Did I hear correctly? He said there was nothing further he could do and that I basically had to wait for my foot to "die" before he could do anything else.
Well I lived with my quality of life deteriorating fast; gained weight from inactivity; lost muscle mass & mobility and fought depression that would have been easy to slip into. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor. I wanted him to explain to me again where he thought I was at and when he did I asked him the question that I had been plagueing me from the first time he explained: "Why are we waiting then?"
Granted, A, amputation is an irreversible operation but I have already been told that because they have already tried artificial means to correct my vascular dilemma and it has failed that amputation is, short of a miracle, inevitable. Plus, I am going to be 50 this year and healing among other things takes longer in the nature of things so why would I wait possibly 5 years, allowing my brain to "map" my pain and increase the length of time and difficulties healing???
Sometimes, to my own detriment, I can be very persuasive lol You know the old adage: Be careful what you ask/wish for? Well, I guess I made my point because he told me that it was really up to me, that when my quality of life became unbearable to me, such as it is, give him a call. I do not recall the date I called his office and told his nurse to go ahead and book a date, instead I think she booked me in to see him in person. I was a bit surprised to find he had done almost a complete turnaround about the urgency, particularly with regard to the increased percentage of having serious phantom pain the longer my brain is allowed to experience pain for it to remember ;-( Also, as he had already made a referral to the U of A pain clinic, he asked if I could hold out until I had at least seen the doctors there. He told me that he agreed with me now about the narcotic pain killers and would not like to see me get hooked, at which point he stated: "and you WILL get hooked if you start them, Kismet." So, I agreed to wait and he agreed to get the ball rolling on his end for the amputation.
This brings us to current events. My back to back appointments with the pain doc and the psychiatrist were scheduled for May 25th,2011, nearly a 5 month wait. These were the 2 single most important appointments in my life to date because these are the doctors who could potentially sign my medical marijuana application. {Again, for those of you who do not know me, Marijuana has been my painkiller of choice in various forms, most recently via vaporizer (so I am not smoking - SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!) and via a tincture I make using Marijuana & grain alcohol - more on this later}
I missed those appointments the day before yesterday {shakes head} and I can only blame myself. My friends know from CrackBook {fond nickname for FaceBook} that it was a less than stellar day ;-D and culminated in my vascular surgeon's office calling me with a date: June 28th, 2011.
Author's Note: That is all for tonight ;-D Basically, I have decided to blog my experience on a daily basis {anshallah} {sp?} as I hope to go through this experience without general anesthetic and/or conventional painkillers. I believe in alternative medicine wholeheartedly and will do my best to be true to that for myself 1st and to help others second - Peace
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