Day + 2

I have discovered a very possible reason for the delay in my operation, on a universal/cosmic level and here it is in a nutshell:
Yesterday, my boyfriend brings me an envelope from Service Canada. Some of you may know that I have been "encouraged" to apply for my Canada Pension Plan Disability benefits by my Great West Life insurance rep. I did this way back in April because in the same letter from GWL that made the "request," they stated that they would only continue to pay my full benefits for 6 months; at which time they would begin deducting the $703 that CPP would pay me if my application is approved. The 1st letter came back in May, stating that CPP had received my application and that everything was there with the exception of my doctors medical report and that his office had 30 days to get it in. I contacted my family docs office at that time and they said they would do it. I called them back at the 30 day mark and it still hadnt been sent. Apparently, all that was needed was an answer to 1 more question {whatever that means?!?} Anyway, I pushed and it was sent out by mail the day before the postal strike started. . . . and of course never made it to the CPP office as they informed me this morning when I called them first  ;-/ It turns out that they listened to what my circumstances now were and suggested that I get a copy of what my family doc had mailed and deliver it to Canada Place, today preferably as tomorrow is Canada Day. I call my docs office back and am told that I can have a copy if I pay a $60 fee for filling it out. ;-/ Might I remind everyone that A, his office had already sent it out without payment or asking for any; and B, I am on disability, where am I suppose to just pull $60 out of? Thin air?  I ask if she can bill me and she says they did, June 13th {LOL bet they mailed the invoice}Anyway, she tells me that I cannot have it unless I pay. I am more than a little upset at this point but all I could get out was "thanks for that" and hung up. ;-(
I had the presence of mind to call my GWL rep but got voicemail, outgoing said she was on the phone; I left a message briefly outlining what had just happened and asked if I could just have the docs office bill them, after all, they just pay my vascular surgeon whenever they want him to fill out forms?!? One of my daughters came to the rescue, picked it up and came and took me to Canada Place. Well, after all that kerfuffle, I am sitting in the car on the way to drop it off and I am reading this report. . .omg, if I THOUGHT my family doctor was starting to suffer from dementia before, then I now KNOW for sure he is, sigh, not only were the dates of my last hospitalizations wrong but her didnt even have the reasons why I was there right or even the right leg!?! All I wanted to do was cry again. How was this now going to work? I went to the Service Canada office anyway, and told my daughter just to drop me off there because I didnt know how long it would take to get to talk to someone. It turned out that it wasn't too long, even though the confused young man that I originally spoke to sent me to an Employment Insurance representative instead of CPP {haha - I don't look OLD enough} Things went much smoother from there. Ended up with CPP accepting the innaccurate copy; asking me to get in any updated information I had as soon as possible and giving me another blank medical report for my vascular surgeon to fill in {which I thought it should have been him in the first place (rolls eyes)}.
So, how does this work universally? Things were obviously, though unbeknownst to me, not "aligned" for everything to go smoothly. Imagine if the surgery had gone through and I didnt find out till another 4 months down the road when GWL started deducting $703 and change from my monthly deposit. Not only would I be out the funds for several months {til CPP paid retro IF I am approved} but my application would be closed for inactivity and I would have to start over and reapply ;-(
I am very relieved that this was caught now, dispite the stressfulness of it all, this could have been alot worse and again this just says to me that the Creator KNOWS what he/she is doing even if we don't ;-D - Peace

Day + 1 {rolls eyes}

When I woke up at 6:09 this morning after a full 8 hours sleep, I went to the bathroom and as I was sitting there I looked down at my knees lol I had forgotten that the nurse had written on them in purple marker. A HUGE "NO" with a happy face in the "o" part and  "YES please" staring me i?n the face, sigh ;-(
However, as a result, I have decided to start a new countdown, or p oferhaps I should say a countup?!? Things seem to be running a little out of sorts so welcome to: Day + 1 ;-D We'll see how long it takes them {meaning the Alberta or Capital Health group} to put this middle age woman back on the operating table when I am supposedly 1st on the reschedule list ;-/ hmmmm.
Ah, but everything happens for a reason, does it not??? I certainly believe so, even though at the moment it happened I couldnt for the life of me even discern the immediate one!?! I really, really, hate being blindsided like that, sigh, one would think that I would have learned my lesson from the 1st or even 2nd time but a 3rd?
Isn't this the part where I am suppose to come up with all the "good" reasons that it didnt happen yet. One of my best friends says they weren't ready for me to have my leg amputated. And though, I understand {kinda/sorta} where that is coming from; I WAS READY!!! {BIG sigh}
So with all these unattached, not sure whether to be emotional, thoughts rolling around in my head most of the day, I accomplished next to nothing before 4 pm ;-/
But from then til 6:30 I got off my keester and finished cleaning up from the party {rolls eyes} there is something about being a mother here, I am sure, you know, enabling my now adult children to not live up to their claims and/or responsibilities, sigh, well I am sorry for not wanting to look at or smell the mess that was still my (and my roommates) apartment and rather than complain like most people do, I just do it. It's me who it bothers so I may as well appease myself and all is good, until someone tries to give me shit for doing it ;-* anyway, we will not go there because I know they mean well, but walk the talk then k? or don't say things you cannot deliver on, you know what I mean? 'nuff said.
So I think my status says something now about calling the docs office which I did after realizing that they were not going to call me . . . . almost mind boggling isnt it? Definitely a very flawed system when it cannot even meet peoples basic needs {shakes head}They were not even open at 4:03 when I called. I guess when you are a doctor you can totally turn many peoples lives on their ear and not even bat an eye or even consider arrangements that may or may not have been made, nothing. . . . really, really sad and the boonies are looking better and better. Just wait till I am healed from this damn amputation, I outta here, I AM A STRONG PERSON AND I WILL SURVIVE ;-D My prosthesis breaks down? guess I really will be a peg leg lmao xo Peace!

OMFG!!! - Please excuse my French ;-/

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry. I arrived at the hospital at 10:40 am, with some apprehension but my boyfriend was with me and that helped ;-) The staff were very nice; I was given a gown and robe; had allergy and identification bracelets put on as well as purple marker on the right leg that said in big letters "YES please" and on the left "NO" and a lil happy face. They tried to start an IV in my left hand and couldnt do it in my thin veins lol so had a second person start it in my right hand. I was being given fluids through the IV because I was so thirsty and they had me on one of those gurney beds. Yes, in a position that was causing my foot to go ischemic ;-/ Anyway, I had been trying to rest/doze as I was getting sleepy from the prescriptions they had told me to take in the morning and was falling asleep as my boyfriend was reading to me. Time seemed to drag and then 2 nurses came in and announced that my surgery was being cancelled because STARS air ambulance had just brought in an emergency that required my doctors attention ;-/ It was 2:23 pm.
I have to tell you that in all this time, actually since I knew that this BKA was going to happen, I never once thought about something outside of my control having an effect on whether or not the actual operation happened! That is how resigned I was to this and let me tell you I definitely felt blindsided. It is my own fault though in hindsight, who doesn't factor in emergencies??? The world does not revolve around me; what was I thinking? I guess that I was just trying to be so positive about the whole situation that my mind was not allowing for even the simplest laws of nature, let alone "murphy"  {shakes head} Well lesson learned, I hope, but where to now??? I have this deep sense of sudden uprootedness {if that's even a word} It is very hard to describe and not only for myself. So many people had/have a vested interest in this for whatever reason. The outpouring of positive energy has come from hundreds of people many of which I dont even know personally!!! I am very grateful for it all yet I have no desire to go through that again so it is likely that when the hospital calls me, I will not be calling anyone "letting them know" but if I hear from, run into anyone etc. and they ask me, I will tell them. It sounds kinda harsh but I just don't want to go through it again. Just the disorientation alone. I want to thank everyone again for all the well wishes and positive energy; you may not be aware how much it has helped me. I will continue with my blog as it too helps to get my thoughts and feelings out on paper so to speak. Peace

Day 3 & Day 2 - a slow Vulcan mind meld LOL

I spent the better part of Sunday with my Mum at the nursing home. I had not gone to bed till after 5 that morning but was up by 10 or so and not really moving all that fast lol I have not danced like that for years, like 10 years ;-/ sad part is those few minutes of dancing felt like I had been dancing all night. In 2 and a 1/2 minutes I get what seems like an hour of cardio. Probably a good thing I am taking those nasty prescriptions . . . did I just say that??!!?? So far I cannot tell if they are working or not, guess time will tell.
Well, now it's Day 2, shazzammm! just like that. I took my blood pressure this morning, just out of curiosity lol and it was 135/84 which is the best it's been in a long time so perhaps those pills are working ;-D At least they are not giving me side effects I cannot deal with. Taking an extra nap here and there because they make me sleepy, never hurt anyone {rolls eyes}
Anyway, I am seriously wondering why I made the countdown wind down with the operation day being Day 1?!? Probably so that when it got to Day 2, I would think I still had another day lol the things we do to reassure ourselves. I started out this morning with a fairly long list of things I needed to accomplish before tomorrow. . . . and do you think at 3:15 in the afternoon, that I have done any of them??? It's like I keep thinking that there are way more important things to take care of or something or other people I should be contacting. . . for goodness sake, you'd think I was dying or rather than just a below knee amputation ;-/ The build-up to these things almost always  causes a "let down" of sorts. LOL I guess this could be a HUGE let down LOL I really haven't a clue what to expect dispite all my research {shakes head} How could I? I have never experienced this before. Yet, that doesn't affect my fear levels, it's just a fact that soon will change.

omgosh! My mother just called me from the hospital upset and confused, stating that she was dropped off there by cab and just left, she didnt know how she was going to get back home! When it rains, it pours it seems or perhaps it is nothing but a well placed distraction to keep me from thinking too much about the surgery lol. It ended up with my eldest daughter going first to help her; getting a ride from my middle daughter and then my boyfriend and I picked her up. Gees louise, what else? I am exhausted and we haven't even started yet. I barely got to eat before my midnight deadline and as I type I can hear the wind outside howling, sigh, well, tomorrow or today I guess now at 1:15 in the morning, is another day and it will be just as glorious as any other day, only for me it will be the first day of the rest of my life and I will welcome it with open arms <3 Peace

I would just like to say thank you for all the prayers and well wishes, even though my day today was more chaotic than I had hoped, I was overwhelmed {in a good way} by the sheer amount of positive energy that has been sent my way, especially today. I really appreciate it, more than words are able to say; may God bless you and keep you all xo

Party Day ;-D

So this is Day 4 ;-/ Saturday, party day, and I suppose one would expect that I'd be a little subdued at this point but I don't see the point unless I had not had 6 months to "reflect" on what I am about to undergo and why. I am actually surprised that I am not more excited about this party than I am. I think it is because I am tired and that there IS an underlying sombreness to it all. But if I let that sombreness creep up and envelope me, from experience I know how easy it is to succumb and allow depression to rear it's ugly little head. Throughout this whole vascular experience, I have managed to maintain a positive attitude and I intend to continue. When God gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right? That's what I have always believed and it has worked pretty well for me. My life has been FAR from miserable in fact, I feel quite blessed in many ways. I have a loving, caring immediate and extended family who I KNOW are concerned for my well being. Some may not understand my attitude but I know they want what is best for me. I believe that, other than God, I know what is best  for me ;-/ and if I don't or I have been in error in my thinking or judgement, then I am the one who must take responsibility for correcting that error by returning to right mindedness.
I think this is a fantastic journey, good and not so good lol but I cannot really bring myself to consider any one part of it so far "bad"; more like necessary ;-)
I am going to give my foot a great send-off tonight; it deserves it for almost 50 years of loyal service, never really giving me grief or ever complaining; taking the tickles with the stubbs ;-)
Well, the party started out kinda slow, probably because we were not ready on time  {rolls eyes} but in the end it was a lot of fun. For me I experienced a myriad of emotions but also felt like it was almost inappropriate to express them. Only once was I in the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to my eyelids lol after that I just said to myself that that was not the intention of this party and I could tell that if I didn't have a good time, my guests certainly weren't going to and that just would have been one big bummer. In the end I have mixed feelings about whether it was a good idea lol, on an emotional level yes it was great but on a physical level, just the clean up alone tends to cause me anxiety lol plus I didnt get to bed til well after 5 am ;-/ Good lesson in letting go though because really, I am not going to be here after tomorrow {monday} so it really doesnt matter. I am really tired tonight though. It is only 10 o'clock and I am beat. Going to bed because I need to be up early to finish getting ready for the hospital stay. At least I will be busy which will keep me from dwelling on things and make the time go by fast ;-D Peace

Information Overload!!!

Ok, so it is now Day 5. It seems that,  oh, 3 days just vanished into thin air but no, that is not the case. In fact so much has happened that I am unsure where to begin. Let me start by saying that I now drink coffee; not every day but I seem to have acquired a taste for it recently and for those of you who know me, I know! eh? Anyway, now that I got THAT seemingly irrelevant detail out of the way, I attended my pre-op appointment on wednesday the 23rd. A friend was kind enough to drive me so I didnt have to drive Mum's sportscar and worry about parking. I saw 3 doctors (2 internal specialists and the anesthetist); 1 physiotherapist; 1 occupational therapist; had blood taken; peed in a cup; ECG; chest x-rays {one would think that they would want to x-ray my leg???}; was poked and prodded too many times to count and in the end came out of there with 2 new prescriptions, wait, really 1 new prescription and an increase in dosage on meds I was already taking ;-/ Oh, and I was pronounced "fit for surgery."
I could go on about all the inconsistencies of my 4 and 1/2 hour appointment but I neither see the necessity or the sense. I do however want to mention one thing though, when I was speaking with the anesthetist, who by the way endorsed my choices wholeheartedly, I asked him how long the surgery would take. He says casually " oh an hour, hour and a half at most." I said "really? My doctor said he packs a lunch." He gave me a funny look like, I don't know why he would have said THAT?!? So, later when speaking with the nurse, who I forgot to mention in the above list lol, I asked her the same thing and she said "well, unless your doctor has scheduled something other than the BKA, the anesthetist is right." So she looks up what my vascular surgeon has entered into my chart or the paperwork that has already come down the line to pre-op and it says nothing else ;-/ I explain to the nurse that I am pretty sure that my doctor has to restructure my circulatory system in that leg almost completely and "could this be the reason why he would say it would take 5-7 hours?" "Ah yes," she says "that could very well be, funny he hasn't written anything down about it."
Yeah, funny, I am still shaking my head. Do you think that my doctor is possibly too busy? lol Well, I am not going to put energy into worrying about it. It appears that he already told me what I need to know and now that I know that I will be awake and alert for the actual operation, it doesn't really matter because I can ask my questions as they/we go along ;-D
Yesterday was my appointment with the internal specialist in Calgary at the Peterlougheed Hospital. This appointment was to address an over active thyroid and I was quite excited to see this doctor as I have the utmost respect for her because she has taken care of one of my good friends for many years. Anyway, I say "was excited" because it has been a long time since this appointment was arranged and I guess the novelty wore off. My wonderful boyfriend drove me and I have to say he made the trip as comfortable as he possibly could and we took our time. I arrived for my 2 o'clock appointment at 1:35 pm and it took me until 2:10 to finish filling out the paperwork. All 4 outpatient waiting rooms were full and I ended up sitting a ways down the hall from Clinic #2's reception desk. It was all good though, I wasn't the only one who had to sit so far away and I ended up having a lively conversation with another middle age man and his 95 year old father lol.
When my name was called, I was relieved, it had been a long trip and I was tired. I have been up early for so many mornings in a row now including weekends that I have lost count. Once I was in the exam room, there was more waiting; I fell asleep but not before putting on my jacket because I was freezing lol but there was a really lovely student doctor who did my initial interview; she was very thorough and I felt confident in her investigation. The doc that I came to see was just a little bit of a thing but brimming with knowledge. I left there with 2 more prescriptions and a standing requisition for monthly bloodwork. The 1st prescription was to calm my overactive thyroid and the 2nd prescription was to combat the side effects of the 1st prescription; how convenient that the side effect they are trying to avoid is hypertension ;-/ I started the new pills this morning and so far so good, no headache but the pharmacist was right about them making me tired ;-( We'll see if it only lasts for 3 or 4 days lol
So, as a result of the last 48 hours, I am now on a total of 5 different prescription medications; all of which I am told I am taking for one good reason or another. I suspect that some of these meds may be permanent especially if I intend to live to be 100. Again, I could go on about the medical community drug "pushers" but I am not going to. What is really the difference between these prescribed drugs and any other drug, recreational or otherwise, that I may or may not be inclined to try???
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to turn around and welcome narcotics with open arms though I do admit that there are days when I am tempted lol I have come too far in proving my point regarding medical marijuana, to mess it up now.
In fact, I have finally managed to make 2 more batches of tincture; a second batch of Sativa or Day time tincture and a first batch of Indica or Night time tincture. I may have to do some creative set up in order to keep the jars warmer so they process faster. They need to be dark and warm. Light breaks down the cannabinoids but heat speeds up the chemical transfer from plant to the liquid.
Anyway, by the time I got home from cowtown at 12:30 am, I was exhausted; went to bed right away and promptly woke up at 6:19. This is another thing, it is like my body KNOWS that I am going into the hospital and is gearing up for the routine ;-/not bad in itself, just annoying lol
Tried to go back to bed, only to re-awaken to some minor distress, as my daughter had slept in. Other than driving the girls to work and picking up my prescriptions, I really didn't do that much all day. I know the party is saturday and I just didnt make much of anything a priority.
I am looking forward to the Bon Voyage Mon Pied Soiree. I have lost count how many people asked me that today. I guess I just dont seem excited because I am so tired. I am also looking forward to my time in the hospital; the regular hospital more so than the rehab hospital because it is nice to be taken care of. The rehab hospital is gonna expect me to work hard at my recovery whereas the initial hospital will be encouraging me to do certain things but not as insistently, nor will they force me if I am unready. The regular hospital is all about rest, relaxation and healing as far as I am concerned. Everything that I have read states that I cannot go far before the residual limb is healed up so in my mind: patience is the key so therefore, I am going to embrace the services offered me and take each day as it comes - Peace

Day 8

I can hardly wait to get my life back ;-D Really, this just cannot happen soon enough. I am sooooo sick and tired of my foot burning like it's constantly on fire and not having the circulation to walk 100 yards without stopping to sit ;-( I am going to work hard to learn my new form of mobility. I consider it a challenge lol perhaps a little daunting one but only a little ;-D
It is sort of like sitting on the sidelines of life lately, maybe a little surreal. As people, friends and professionals call me for various things, much of it just gets filtered by the wayside I think, not intentionally ;-( Mostly, I think that it is my attitude towards those "things" that has changed; no longer giving the insignificant or erroneous parts credence or form ;-D Though my outlook is becoming more positive everyday, my physical body is tiring. I am having to take things even slower than a month ago and still initiating the same or greater pain. I thought I was being clever, trying to take it easy; gonna fool my brain into thinking everything is painfree by not initiating pain for it to "map" lol it was a bit of a joke on myself really because the amount of deterioration in the last 6 months is phenomenal and I have just plain HAD to slow down further, whether I wanted to or not. I have been keeping the chronic pain to a minimum, if you can call it that and that has been the best that I could do so far.
I realize that I have been stressing myself over others reactions to what is happening for/to me ;-/ omg, how stupid is/was that??? I have nothing to fear over others feelings/reactions regarding myself or what I am doing lol for if they are not of the purest intent {unconditional love} then they do not exist in a form that can affect me ;-D It is very um . . .uplifting, no, empowering to be reaffirmed in that.
Every day that passes, I feel less burdened and more peaceful, not only with my decision but my life and where it is ultimately headed. I do not know the exact specifics of where I will end up but I do know that it will be right because it will be what I was intended to do and I am VERY ok with that ;-D
I have found that I have an even greater appreciation for my beloved family and friends. I have been blessed with people in my life with whom I can have a true fellowship and I am grateful for that. I joke about how someone "up there must like me" when it is really our right to peace, harmony, love and light in our lives no matter what the circumstances. My "vision" has certainly been shrouded in these last few years and I feel as though it is being restored/corrected; I believe this is a good thing.
As I linger over the keys of my computer, it is now quarter to 2 in the morning of Day 7 and I have my pre-op appointment at 9 am. I have been told to expect a busy few hours ;-/ I am looking forward to having my questions answered, I cannot for sure say all because I am unprepared for this appointment. Yes, you read right, the usually OVER prepared Kismet is totally unprepared for this appointment lol and know what?? It will all be fine. I trust that everything that I need to know or have answered will be at my disposal when the need arises. I will have plenty to write when I return home is my guess lol Till then, Peace

Day 9

It occured to me that I am very fortunate to be able to have choices in what happens to me when I have this operation and subsequent recovery. Though the subject matter could be depressing, I have found that my research has actually helped calm any lingering fears I have and helped me to be more "interested" and take an active part in what is happening to me vs just letting the docs just do whatever they want.
I have thought about how my circumstances are different from the majority of people who have a limb amputated. This is not by accident. I do not have diabetes and I am not in my 70 or 80's suffering degenerative deterioration. I am only coming up on my 50th year and have lived a less than perfect life, of my own doing/making, I might add; don't get me wrong, no regrets, they seem pointless in a world where we learn from our mistakes or miscreations, as  I am learning ;-)
My thoughts will now be how to allow the knowledge that I am remembering to mesh with where I am in my life. I see that it would be easy for myself to react in many inappropriate ways, but I will remember to allow my life to be guided.
It just doesnt seem that simple on the one hand and on the other? Why wouldn't it be??
I still have not heard from my docs office and will likely have to call in again later this morning.
Well, it's now 7:13 pm and the only call I got today was from pre-admin for my pre-op appt on . . .pre-admin??? wth?? I thought the pre-op appt included my pre-admin paperwork?!? It is so funny how these bureacracies make their own procedures difficult lol. Anyway, a very nice nurse/receptionist whatever said that it was so I could just go straight to St. Margurites without having to go to admitting at the hospital first ;-/ Then she rattled off something about "in case I had to stay" but she was gone before I could ask what she was talking about. She seemed to know that I was to attend on wednesday so ;-*
She did ask me if I had been there before and I of course replied "several times"lol and she said she thought so as she remembered me from the bypass surgeries. I thought how many times a year do they do bypass surgery??? it must be hundreds! So good memory! It's nice yet strange to be recognized like that and again it prevailed a sense of calm; like going home ;-D I am glad to skip all the paperwork too lol, one would think that with all our new fangled technology that all my "info" including my medical records to date would be at their disposal ;-/ It's like, how do you expect me to remember it all, every major illness {of which I have had few}, every operation/birth/hospital stay. I guess I will have to start writing it down on a list that I carry with me. . .is this a sign of age? lmao
I went out today for lunch with a good friend and to see my Mum at the home. It worries me that her dementia is progressing; they had brought back in her electric recliner and when I arrived  and mentioned it, she promptly informed me that she had told them to bring it back because she could not sleep in the bed {shakes head} oh my goodness, this is exactly what the resident manager and I were concerned about so realizing that I/we put energy into that "error," I said to her that it was good she had her chair back for the daytime so they don't leave you in your wheelchair too long but that she would still be sleeping in the airbed at night. She had the most petulant look on her face and all I could think of was: How will this work when I am in the hospital? I am having some success in rearranging my thinking and by that I mean, not worrying so much about the how and more trusting that what will be will be and if it IS the Creator's will, it will be perfect. ;-D Peace

Day 10

So, as I sit on my porch in the rain, I realize that time is just flowing by. . .but rather than be upset or apprehensive, I have a pervading sense of calm. I have to admit that when I started the 30 day countdown, I was anything but calm lol. Not so much nervousness, more like apprehension or fear of the unknown. I have been doing a fair bit of research on my own, seeing as how my vascular surgeon doesn't feel the need to "see" me before the surgery {?!?} I have a myriad of questions, not about the various ways this procedure can be done but as to which method he is choosing to use. Just how many times has he done this anyway?!?
Not that I don't trust him, I mean he lost a balloon in the end of one of my arteries somewhere down there, but he told me about it ;-D so it's all good lol we are only human and everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Who knows? Maybe he will find it THIS time lol
Anyway, back to the time thing; I am finding that I don't even have time to lament that time is passing to quickly. This is actually a good thing ;-) It helps perpetuate the sense of ease and that somehow this situation is flowing along as it should.
I feel the need to interject something here that I am experiencing, it is now 6:05 am Sunday morning, I was asleep after an interesting evening out with my sweetie, celebrating a co-worker's birthday but I had talked my boyfriend out of my dog's usual walk before bed so she woke me up at 3:17 ;-/ I have been wide awake ever since so decided to catch up on some episode of a series I like and when that didn't help me to become sleepy, I decided to read more of the book that my sister gave me. The more I read, the more I realize what a precious gift she has given me ;-D It is like a re-awakening, in a manner of speaking; like I have been holding my breath, all this time, and can finally let it out. Thank you.
When I first started this book, my thoughts were: oh, this is alot to take in but the more I read the more I have a sense of remembering rather than being overwhelmed. This truly makes me smile and helps me know that I have nothing to fear with this operation.
On that note: I am going to go snuggle up to my sweetie for an hour or so before the "house" wakes up for Day 9 ;-D Here's to another good day! Peace

So Much To Do, So Little Time ;-/

I am having a terrific case of "not enough time" and I am not sure why. I know that there is always enough, even if I do not think so lol. It has been my experience that I pretty much have enough of everything I need when I need it so why the feeling?!?
Well, I started this yesterday morning in the wee hours and now I am having the answer come to me 24 hours later lol, the feeling of "not enough time" is coming from my inability to do for myself vs do for others. One would think that being day, what now?, 11 that I would be all caught up in doing things for me and me only but sadly no, I choose to do things, for me yes, but mostly, for others. I want it to be easier for it to be for just me, just once, just me. I wonder if this is where my desire to be in the boonies stems from. A seeming pipedream, more so as my operation looms ;-(
I didnt have the greatest of days yesterday, still in the wake of the full moon a couple days ago, I keep getting broadsided with things I thought I had sorted out or at least thought I had been working on and doing pretty well but as it turns out, not. Today was one of those days in which, despite the fact that there were many good and wonderful things that happened today, there was still so much sadness that it was hard to keep it in the background. Listen to me, keep it in the background, why? because if I don't I will be considered weak? especially since I have made choices that I value and believe in but may be hard to uphold?? Why do I give a damn what anyone else really thinks? Vanity? I really didnt think I was vain, I really didn't think that I had anything to be vain about. Trading my life with someone else's is not gonna make mine or theirs better or worse, it's my life and it's for me and I am really the only one who has to deal with it.
I wanted to cry and did cry several times in the last 24 hours. I hate that it seems easier to let someone go if you are mad at them especially because I always seem to be on the receiving end of THAT deal lol and usually, being the "elder" in the situation, I am the one who has to set the example and be the "bigger" person; or suck up the unwarranted hurt. . . there are those who would say "oh no you don't, that's a choice you make!" and they are right; it's just that when I ultimately take responsible for myself and my behaviour, the situation may require that I "bite my tongue" and sometimes I cry when I have to do that, even if I know it is  for a good cause. You would think I would be use to this, having children and all, lol.
The only other thing I will say about this day is that it was the first time that I wish operation day way tomorrow ;-/ That is kind of harsh sounding, I realize but it is the truth and not because I want this to happen any sooner but because I have had just about enough of the stuff leading up to it. Peace

Holy Crap! It's Day 13!!

Time flies when you think you have lots of it, lol, I have been so busy that I don't know if I am coming or going half the time. Slowly but surely, in my haphazard way I am accomplishing my goals ;-D I am feeling a bit down with the disorganization but definitely up with the progress: My kitchen is completely unpacked; I finished  the porch project {and it's bootiful lol}and I am ready to start 2 more batches of tincture. Recently, I met a very nice man who has been sympathetic to the cause and gone out of his way to find me what I want. Once again, the universe, the Creator, God, has provided what is needed. I have found this to be true throughout my life and until recently I had been allowing the "laws of scarcity" to creep in and try to root themselves into my psyche but thanks to my sister's watchful eye and wonderful gift {the book is divine, thank you} I have returned wholeheartedly to my faith, that whatever happens is in the Creators hands ;-) and I will work diligently to restore myself as thoroughly as possible and remain in good spirits.
I have had several incidences come up since announcing my amputation, some funny, some sad. I am finding more things to be lighter about all the time, for example, 2 of my daughters have been planning a party to say "goodbye" to my foot ;-/ now I could have got all bent out of shape, wailing about how it's some kind of cruel reminder of what's to come or I can choose to honor my foot for all the devotion it has given me and what better way to do that than have a BonVoyage Mon Pied party! lol The girls have thought up all sorts of ways in which those attending can honor their own feet as well, including foot casts in plaster of paris ;-D but the pi-ece de resistance {sp?} is the permanent ink markers for signing my foot; I am going to draw a line that everyone who attends the party must sign below and because it is permanent ink marker, it will still be a work of art for the doctors and nurses who are going to amputate it! ;-D I want to write: "Save the fish ---->" as I have a goldfish tattoo on my right ankle that will be lost unfortunately. I have had that tattoo for over 30 years so I have already taken a picture of it and may get it re-tattooed on my stump once it's healed; we'll see how sensitive it is lol Anyway, I may make a foot or shoe cake but that will depend on whether I have time, there is still so much unpacking and organizing to do that what I contribute to the party will depend on what I get done before then ;-/ Likely, it will just be a clean organized spot to hold the party lol

Wednesday: Day 21 revisited?? lol Not!

I am up at 6 something, before 6:30 anyway, probably because of sleeping most of the day yesterday when I got home lol My leg has recovered from the long drive and I am thankful for the rejuvenation that a good nights sleep brings. I take the dogs out and am immediately reminded that though sleep brings rejuvenation it hasnt brought a cure ;-/ I only make it around a quarter of the building before the pressure starts to build and the burning starts. You would think after almost 2 and a half years of this that I would be somewhat use to it eh? I think it is just that it is becoming tiresome for me.
By 7:45, I have had morning conversation with my daughter before she leaves for work and received a call from the appliance repairman who says he'll be at my apartment this morning by 8:30 Yay! My daughter leaves; repairman comes; repairman goes and I am left with a sense of what else should  I do today? I mean it is only 3 weeks to the day and I should be doing something, shouldn't I? I look around me and I see semi organized boxes, now these in themselves are not daunting to me in general but where to start is the question so rather than sit here and waste time pondering, I think I will just do ;-D When my leg tells me to, I will sit for a bit and write some more lol ciao
I have discovered that I use music to help block out the negative thoughts that try to creep in my mind when doing repetitive work such as household chores. Usually, I like the silence but I am finding that if I am in it too long, especially when having to do something menial, it is a welcome distraction. I really hope my doctor allows my MP3 player in the operating room ;-D He has very good taste in music himself but it would be nice to listen to my personal playlists so we'll see I suppose. So I now have my tunes going and for personal reasons, I have set it to shuffle . . . .
Interesting which songs come up, gotta love Bruce Hornsby ;-D I have some of his best stuff including one of my favs Jacobs Ladder. The sax & guitar rifts resonate with my soul.
Tomorrow is my boyfriends day off and of course, he asks me if I have any appointments, the dear that he is and I say no appointments but my oh my, why yes, yes I do lol I want so much to get this place in order but there are other things to be taken care of as well and I seem to be just letting them slip by, sigh, like an unconscious rebellion against the amputation: is that normal? I hope so.
After truly thinking about it, I need to do several things, like get to my docs office to sign the paperwork and pick up the lattice for the patio and/or the lifts for the sofas; plus my one and only prescription should be refilled as well ;-/ while I am at it, I need to check the status of my supplement supply, I only have to have a weeks worth for the hospital and the girls can bring my refills for that as they get used up ;-D
I find that I am seemingly running this particularly day in some kind of loop!!! lol Because it is now 2:22 am on Day 20, this actually makes it even more confusing, thus the title ;-/ It will be one more thing to be grateful for when I have more time to devote to this blog ;-D Peace

Day 21

This chapter actually started yesterday on Day 23. I apologize for the "gap" as I have actually experienced several incidents worthy of commenting on here but with family and travel, it was not always appropriate to be on a computer to continue my writing. First I would like to say that I just cannot believe that it is already day 21. "Time flies when you're having fun" or so they say, I think it is just preoccupation, which in my case can be a good thing but when I think in terms of how much time I have left with my foot, it doesnt seem so great.
Anyway, after an enjoyable time with family in Washington, my brother and I left my sister and her partner around 10 in the morning on monday; choosing to take a different route home up throught the okanagan and stopping in Kelowna to visit one of my nieces and though she said we could stay and take off again in the morning, we chose to leave and be on our way. I think both my brother and I needed to be getting home. For me anyway, time seems to be slipping away.;-/
While in the States, besides the nurse from adult aids to daily living, calling to set up my assessment appointment, my vascular surgeons office called to say they needed me to sign consent and waiver forms ;-/ consent, ok, yes, I am consenting to this operation, but waiver?!? of what? my rights? the doctors responsibility if things go wrong?? So I ask his nurse if he wants to see me at all before the surgery because I would like to see him and she tells me that no, he hasnt asked them to schedule anything with me. . . . hmmmm, is there something wrong with this picture?!? I dont know about you but I think so. Granted he may know me to be the kind of person that would research the whole ordeal to death but then he must also know that I would have been flooded with information about various procedures that may or may not be used during the course of this operation. I would like to know specifically what he plans to do, where he plans to take it off? What kind of dressing is he going to use? Is he ok with me not being sedated again? and can I bring my mp3? lol I guess I just have to say that I am a little dissappointed that he would not have thought that I might need a little time with him BEFORE the surgery. Well, as it stands now his nurse is going to relay my request to see him and we'll see what it nets me. The assessment that AADL called to set up is for equipment like, bath seats, bars etc to help me when I get back home. Apparently the government pays for the equipment if you qualify financially. Interestingly enough, I do so they are sending someone to assess my needs and see if there is anything else that I might be able to use. Apparently, it is a male nurse who is coming out, I mention this because apparently it is no longer necessary to ask a person if this is ok? Not that it matters to me but I know women who would not appreciate a male nurse and would be quite uncomfortable and I guess that I am surprised that society has already deemed this insignificant enough to not bother asking.
So, I mentioned that we left by 10 am yesterday and we were to take our time coming back, after all we had made it down there in 14 and a half hours and didnt need to be rushed. There is something about heading home that seems to underlie all that, like a constant "tug" on the heart. It seems to be a need for the familiar and for me a desire to get back to my life and the details of that; particularly getting back to my countdown. It is the beginning of Day 20 as I finish this and I realize that time is going a heck of a lot faster than I thought it was going to. I am starting to get that little panicky feeling in the back of one's mind that says it's all gonna be here too soon. I plan to deal with these feelings with preparedness. I believe that fear can be relieved with knowledge, the unknown can be our own worst enemy. I will concede that the knowledge one may obtain might not be what one wants to hear but informed decisions are better than ones made ignorantly. I know this from personal experience LOL and so far have not had occasion to change my mind.
Not rushing, took us 23 hours all told; 16 of that being my brothers skillful driving and 7 being the wonderful visit with my niece and her significant other who I might add is a very good cook ;-D We hit the city around 9 am this morning and I arrived home around 10. I was exhausted lol more so than I thought while on the trip. You know how it is, one never really knows how tired they are till they get home or a chance to relax. Anyway, I barely got my stuff or I should say my brother barely got my stuff in the door and after he left I went straight to bed. My leg was throbbing from toes to knee and I couldnt help thinking this cannot be good. Though I set my alarm for 4:20 pm I didnt get up till after 5:30 when my my daughter got home from work. I felt somewhat refreshed but still tired and had this sense of urgency, as if I had just wasted the day sleeping. I should thank my eldest daughter here because the organization and what unpacking she did get done while I was gone went a long way to ease the aforementioned feeling.
The evening was filled with my youngest daughter, a friend and my boyfriend all stopping by. It was my 14th anniversary on Monday the 6th and my guy remembered without prompting!!! lol He says it's a guy thing when they don't remember but he obviously cares enough to make the effort ;-D He got me a portable greenhouse! I am excited for though I may not use it this year, I will definitely use it soon, maybe start plants indoors towards the end of winter for next year. I got him some funny stuff, bacon flavored effervescent drink tabs {don't ask lol} and a chinese ornament representing his chinese zodiac sign the ox, however this particular artist called it a cow ;-/ my boyfriend is probably wondering, what the heck am I suppose to do with this??? oh well, maybe it's secret payback for the box of cereal lmao
Now at almost 2 am, I am still awake though not for long. I have so much to do and so little time. I am going to take things as they come and try not to stress myself out. My eldest suggested we do plaster foot prints ;-D I told her I thought that was a good idea and on THAT note, I am going to bed - Peace

The Countdown Started Without Me LOL

Well, it is now late Thursday, June the 2nd and it is Day 27 in the countdown that seems to have started without me lol. Let's see Sunday the 29th of May was a brutal but awesome day ;-D Friends and family who said they would be there were there and things went pretty smoothly. We even got a lot of the furniture and big stuff from my daughters place too. She still has boxes and things but doesn't have to be completely out right away so she has some leeway.
Monday, my brother and I decided we would be making the trip to Washington for the funeral. For me it is not so much the rites or ritual as the gathering of family to remember the life of a good man. I am very excited to see many if not all the remaining family on Dad's side. It has been way too long ;-( and I have missed them very much. I am sure it will be a shock to see how much their children have grown and in some cases their children's children :-D We had decided that we would leave early Thursday if we could get expedited passports so the rest of monday thru  wednesday is mostly a blur. We managed to secure passports within 24 hours for a fee of course and deal with the blunders of my move; meaning getting me fully out of the one bedroom apartment and cleaning it completely. Plus there was the matter of my 10 day wait period to receive the check for my damage deposit, sigh.
The past days events were taking their toll on everyone so needless to say, getting ready to leave was not without its stressful moments.However, as rough as it may have been, I watched each necessary element fall  into place to make this trip happen. From my brother and I going to the nursing home on Monday to tell my Mother the news to being able to get the car road worthy, everything just came together. There were bumps but they smoothed somewhat as I went along. In the meantime, my countdown was/is slipping away from me and I am not sure whether to be sad or grateful. I have decided I will be grateful, for I am sitting here typing from my sister and her partner's home in Renton, Washington with a big grin on my face as I listen to the banter back and forth between my sister and brother in the other room; the laughter reminds me of when we were little and life was just a little less hectic. It is the close of Day 27 - Peace

Help! I am all confused ;-? lol

It occurred to me that there might be some confusion for some or all of the readers of this blog lol so I would like to clarify a few things:
First of all, I am having difficulty as I write this, in deciding on the manner in which I want to proceed. Perhaps, I could ask for some feedback. You may have noticed that I have been trying to write this blog without using any names. People that know or are related to me may or may not know who I am talking about at any given time. Most of the time I think that the person to whom I may be referring at any given time would know who they were and may or may not be important. I am not writing this blog to criticize or put down anyone or their actions, if I wanted to do that, I would tell them privately and not in a public forum. Of course, there is always the possibility that someone erroneously thinks that some comment was about them; I cannot be responsible for what someone else "reads" into what I write. Like I said, if anything was intentional, it would not be here ;-D
I know that the opposite of what I am doing is to, of course, use names or  "change" them. I think that there would be too much red tape to get everyone's permission so I did not offend anyone, you know what I mean? Gosh, when is someone NOT offended these days lol
Another option is if I occasionally interject these blogs with explanatory interludes aimed at lifting any confusion lol I could even answer specific questions anyone might have; I thought that might be useful once we get into this full swing so to speak lol
This brings me to another aspect of this blog that kinda sorta wants feedback lol you see, I have no problem whatsoever in being quite frank and/or graphic in my details of the operation and subsequent recovery; that's just my nature ;-/ I am very no nonsense and I will try my best to use proper terminology. I believe though, that the graphic details could be deemed inappropriate for young children, unless you were a child like me lol where very little phazed me ;-/ I am not squimish, not even when it's my own blood, and I do not think this blog will be done justice, if I "sugarcoat" things for the squimish; I have to live this and I would like to be forthright about it. I would totally be willing to add a disclaimer/warning of graphic detail when the time comes - again feed back?
So, until I decide, and hopefully before the actual countdown starts Monday, I will have; I will add interjections as I see fit lol Starting with this one:
Some of you may not know that I am blessed with not one but two wonderful families. My biological mother and father were never married, for reasons we need not go into here; I ended up with a sometimes overwhelmingly huge family; 12 siblings all told and quite a history from what little I know lol I was born in Canada but when I was 10 days old, my Mother brought me back to the U.S. where she was already residing with my adopted Dad. He obviously, gave me his name in the adoption, and I didnt find out about my "other" family until my Mom and Dad divorced and Mom moved herself, my younger brother and sister and I back to Canada. I have lived in Canada since June of 1969, I was not quite 8 years old when we returned here. I feel very lucky to have such a big family and as technologically phobic I am becoming in my middle age, I have to thank social network sites like CrackBook for keeping me in touch with them whereas our busy lives might not cross paths as often as we'd sometimes like.
So, the recent passing of my adopted Dad, affects my younger sister and brother more directly than anyone else; there are many who may or may not have known, who he was to me or how I fit in there lol so that was my point I guess ;-/