So Much To Do, So Little Time ;-/

I am having a terrific case of "not enough time" and I am not sure why. I know that there is always enough, even if I do not think so lol. It has been my experience that I pretty much have enough of everything I need when I need it so why the feeling?!?
Well, I started this yesterday morning in the wee hours and now I am having the answer come to me 24 hours later lol, the feeling of "not enough time" is coming from my inability to do for myself vs do for others. One would think that being day, what now?, 11 that I would be all caught up in doing things for me and me only but sadly no, I choose to do things, for me yes, but mostly, for others. I want it to be easier for it to be for just me, just once, just me. I wonder if this is where my desire to be in the boonies stems from. A seeming pipedream, more so as my operation looms ;-(
I didnt have the greatest of days yesterday, still in the wake of the full moon a couple days ago, I keep getting broadsided with things I thought I had sorted out or at least thought I had been working on and doing pretty well but as it turns out, not. Today was one of those days in which, despite the fact that there were many good and wonderful things that happened today, there was still so much sadness that it was hard to keep it in the background. Listen to me, keep it in the background, why? because if I don't I will be considered weak? especially since I have made choices that I value and believe in but may be hard to uphold?? Why do I give a damn what anyone else really thinks? Vanity? I really didnt think I was vain, I really didn't think that I had anything to be vain about. Trading my life with someone else's is not gonna make mine or theirs better or worse, it's my life and it's for me and I am really the only one who has to deal with it.
I wanted to cry and did cry several times in the last 24 hours. I hate that it seems easier to let someone go if you are mad at them especially because I always seem to be on the receiving end of THAT deal lol and usually, being the "elder" in the situation, I am the one who has to set the example and be the "bigger" person; or suck up the unwarranted hurt. . . there are those who would say "oh no you don't, that's a choice you make!" and they are right; it's just that when I ultimately take responsible for myself and my behaviour, the situation may require that I "bite my tongue" and sometimes I cry when I have to do that, even if I know it is  for a good cause. You would think I would be use to this, having children and all, lol.
The only other thing I will say about this day is that it was the first time that I wish operation day way tomorrow ;-/ That is kind of harsh sounding, I realize but it is the truth and not because I want this to happen any sooner but because I have had just about enough of the stuff leading up to it. Peace