I have to say that this move is not turning out to be the "easiest move ever" lol, I didn't even see Murphy slip in sigh. I still do not have my keys and am taking a break from my packing. It occured to me that the question of why I am going through with this enters my brain at least once a day. It use to be like, 10 times a day lol but as I am becoming more receptive to the idea it has become less. I just thought I would write about some of these thoughts that go through my head at this time and how I have rationalized them out.
I am reminded constantly by my body why I am doing this. A limb that is not getting anywhere near the full blood supply it needs to function, tells you so lol A pressure builds in the calf; the first time I experienced this I thought it was a charley horse cramp; and the pressure just keeps increasing, if because of my high pain threshold {Thanks Mom ;-D} I push through the pressure pain, the burning and numbness in my toes starts; this increases until the whole foot is on fire. Then, if I press on, say the function I am doing is walking ;-/ very quickly, my whole foot will become so numb that I cannot feel it and HAVE to sit down. All this happens in a matter of 100 meters and about 20 - 30 seconds; quicker if I try to walk fast ;-( I don't have to tell the people who know me, how hard that is too take when not even 2 years ago I did my last power walk.
The worst part is that one would think then that sedate activities would be best and certainly more comfortable right? Well, unfortunately that has definitely not been the case. After my first bypass surgery, I slept with my leg elevated at a 45 degree angle every nite for 18 months to manage the residual swelling that accompanies that type of surgery. I have not been able to sleep with my leg elevated since the night I went to the hospital in an ambulance last June. It seems that my Femoral and Protibial arteries are so clogged that my circulatory system cannot force even the smallest amount of blood to my foot if it is at all elevated. This situation has got so bad that I have had to raise the head of my bed 5 inches {Thanks for coming up with that idea my wonderful man} in order to be able to sleep and not wake up every 2 hours with a hint of the askemia that sent me to the hospital. Funny story: My boyfriend doesnt live with me but stays over, usually saturday nights; I am use to sleeping on this elevated bed now lol nothing funnier than waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and come back to find him slid halfway down the bed so his head is like 18 - 24 inches below mine, I told him it's reminiscent of sleeping with a child LOL
I was concerned at first that sleeping elevated would have adverse effects on my ability to manage my swelling, which because of having had 3 operations in the same spot, has been hard to totally alleviate. I still wear a compression stocking on that leg - hah! won't have to worry about getting another pair to replace these poor worn ones I have now hehe just thought of that ;-D Anyway, so I told my vascular surgeon about it just to make sure, fully expecting him to say something like " oh no you cannot do that blah blah blah" but instead he said, " I bet you have to sleep that way, your boyfriend was smart"
Needless to say, I was relieved because by sleeping that way, I was at least able to get some resemblance to a good night's sleep. It should probably be said here that I have, for the most part, always been a good sleeper. I can count on one hand how many periods or times in my life that I have EVER had trouble sleeping. I can safely say that getting my proper 8 hours every night has been the single most healing thing I have been able to do for my body, both physically and mentally.
The point to all this? I have been told that this operation will allow my body to get back to some sense of normality and although the initial discomfort from the operation that I am going to have is great, it lessens as days go by and eventually heals. What I am dealing with now is the slow death of my foot basically and there is no option left that we have not tried to save it, including my failed Gortex artery.
I just want my quality of life back; it doesnt even have to be ALL the quality I have lost, sigh, just being able to walk as far as my corner store without pain would be wonderful lol or shop at a mall for groceries or a birthday present! Imagine that lol it seems so long ago that I could do that without giving it a second thought, now lol I have to consider whether it is worth it to try to carry my "walker" down 7 stairs {another tough feat} in order to be able to have a seat to rest as I attempt to carry out activities that we all take for granted {shakes head} On a brighter note, I am not going to have to buy a walker either lol and this loaner from the wonderful people at the STELP program can have it back early ;-D
I guess that I just wanted to get the point across that though I can totally see the logic in what I am about to let them do to me lol I find that I have to work to remind myself the benefits I will receive on a daily basis. It really is a kind of cruel oxymoron: Cut off your foot to make things less painful hmmmmm? In the long run, I have to keep the faith - Peace
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